Angry Green Midget
by Rocket-Strife
Summary: A parody of the Garlic Jr. Saga. Garlic Jr. is free from the Dead Zone and he's not happy (Now complete!)
1. Return of Garlic

Angry Green Midget  
  
A parody of the Garlic Jr. Saga  
  
By Strife  
  
Disclaimer: DBZ doesn't belong to me, and it's probably a good thing.  
  
Vegeta muttered underneath his breath as Goku slammed the pair of small plastic pieces onto the Monopoly board. It wasn't bad enough he was losing by several hundred dollars, but now that idiot Kakarrot owned two motels on Dragon Way. It surprised Vegeta that Goku even knew how to play.  
  
"Gee, that's two more motels for me." Goku quipped a little too innocently for Vegeta's liking. Bulma sighed, twirling the small metal gaming piece with the very disturbing resemblance to Chiaotzu between her thumb and forefinger.  
  
"Quit scowling and roll the dice, Vegeta." She stated. Vegeta grimaced.  
  
"Don't tell me what to do, woman!" He muttered, rolling the two die anyway. It landed on a four, which meant one thing; Community Chest. He snatched up the card from the top of the pile, and from the way his left eye twitched, one could assume it was not the bearer of good news.  
  
"I've one second place in a beauty pageant?!" Vegeta demanded angrily. "I'm a prince! I don't do beauty pageants! It's even more of an insult that I've come second!"  
  
"Maybe I won it." Goku mumbled weakly. The look Vegeta gave him was rather scary.  
  
"Read the bit below that." Bulma stated flatly. Vegeta did so. His face turned even redder.  
  
"You have won second place in a beauty contest..." He forced through clenched teeth. "Hit Vegeta across the head. With. The. Bank?!"  
  
Goku raised his hand. "Does he have to do that one?"  
  
"It does not say that!" Bulma exulted, snatching the small card away from the angered Sayijin. She read it, and tried not to let the smile creep onto her face. It was futile. "Goku, who's been sabotaging the Monopoly cards?"  
  
"Huh?" Said Goku, his expression mimicking that of guppies at feeding time. Vegeta pouted, crossed his arms and looked the other way, in an attempt to retain a tiny shred of pride. Bulma flipped the card over and pointed quite plainly where the command on the card had been written on. Goku immediately burst into imbecilic laughter.  
  
"Oh man!" He chortled. "That's a good one!"  
  
"It's not funny, Kakarrot!" Vegeta snapped. Bulma sighed, and thrust the card back into the pile. "Roll the dice again Vegeta."  
  
Vegeta's pout by this time was so large it could've developed sentience, but he complied. Six moves later, he was on Dragon Way, and Bulma cradled her face in her palm.  
  
"Whoops, that's two hotels." Said Goku. "That'll be three thousand dollars thanks."  
  
Fake money and game pieces flew in unison as Vegeta's fist came crashing through the board. Vegeta waved his arms about his head and began prancing about the table, huffing and puffing and looking very irate.  
  
"You cheat!" He accused.  
  
"Do not!" Goku shot back.  
  
"Boys, boys!" Bulma intervened. "We all know it. You both cheat. What compounds that fact is that you were both also losing!" She smiled in a sort of cheeky, self righteous way. Vegeta was pulling his best `I-just-sucked-a-lemon' face.  
  
"Quiet woman! Quiet!" He demanded.  
  
It was then that Yamcha came walking into the room. He waved, and both Bulma and Goku waved enthusiastically back. Vegeta, however, who had closed himself off from the proceedings and had gone into `sulky' mode, simply gave Yamcha a glare which could have probably killed a small potplant.  
  
"Whatcha playing?" He asked, pulling up the chair Vegeta had previously sat upon. He looked towards the irate Sayijin prince. "Yo, grab me a can of V8 from the bar fridge will ya?"  
  
Neither Goku nor Bulma expected the request to be carried out, and when Vegeta's forearm met up with the back of Yamcha's skull it wasn't a total surprise either. The prince stalked out of the room, leaving Yamcha in a crumpled heap amongst the disarray of monopoly pieces.  
  
~  
  
Far from this...happy scene, deeper, darker and uglier things are brewing. Garlic Jr. surveyed the carnage he had created with unbridled glee, despite the fact that the only followers he had managed to pick up since his daring escape from the Dead Zone was a pathetic aspiring boy band known only as the Spice Boys. Rubbing a hand over his bald, green dome as if he were making a wish, Garlic Jr. strode forward, kicking a stiff rather girlishly from his path.  
  
Revenge will be mine. He thought to himself. Hey, why do I even think in this weird croaky whisper?  
  
A large Spice Boy called Vinegar came rushing towards his dark - if not short and disgruntled - leader.  
  
"What's next boss?" He closed his eyes and began to hum `Tie a Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree.' Garlic Jr. shuddered.  
  
"Next," He shouted in his loudest possible screechy whisper. "We go to Kami's look out and take out..." He paused for dramatic effect. "Mr. Popo! Bwahaha!"  
  
"Wouldn't we want to take out Kami too?"  
  
"Well duh." Said Garlic Jr. "But Mr. Popo is more amusing to say." Seeming Vinegar was staring blankly at him, Garlic shrugged. "Whatever."  
  
~  
  
Piccolo was bored. He sat cross legged next to a lake, sensing the old fart's presence long before he managed to hobble onto the scene. Sighing deeply, Piccolo tried to pretend he didn't notice Kami's arrival.  
  
"Piccolo." The ancient Namek wheezed.  
  
"What do you want?" Piccolo demanded. He could really use a nap.  
  
"You're still rude, arrogant and lacking in good old fashioned people skills," Kami said. "Damn, I've missed it! Anyhow, I've rocked up here to ask you whether you want to take over the Kami gig. You know, Guardian of the Earth and all that jazz?"  
  
"Shove off, you old fart." Piccolo replied. "Whoops, sorry, habit. I meant to say `What?'" Piccolo inexplicably blasted a large hunk of ground, and turned to face Kami. "Nope, sorry, I did mean to say shove off you old fart. I don't want your crappy job."  
  
"Look buddy, I'm running on a clock here!" Kami said indignantly. "I need someone to become fucking Kami!"  
  
"Who's clock?" Piccolo asked out of curiosity.  
  
"My own." Kami replied. "Duh."  
  
"Look, I don't want your stupid job, okay?" Piccolo snapped back huffily in reply. "However, I should warn you I've been having some pretty funky visions lately. Can't remember all of it. Something to do with the gay pride flag and some one great evil and you getting blasted into little bits." He paused. "Don't even ask about the flag. Could've been that jar of mayonnaise I ate before bed."  
  
"I can't believe my fate is being dictated by your disgusting eating habits!" Kami said.  
  
"Deal with it!" Piccolo retorted, and with a flying leap, he ascended. Kami crossed his arms and furrowed his brow, creating a whole new community of wrinkles as he did so.  
  
"Well, he was rude."  
  
~  
  
Mr. Popo never saw them coming. His chubby body was compacted into a wall, holding his watering can up weakly as his only source of defence as Garlic Jr. and his boys stalked towards him.  
  
"Garlic Jr.!" Popo stated the blindingly obvious. Looking around frantically, he heaved his tubby frame from the wall and sprinted heavily across the diabolically damaged garden. "Magic carpet!" He bawled, heaving the small red orb into the air. He mounted it awkwardly, and due to his stupendous weight, the carpet seemed to be having difficulty gaining enough momentum to actually depart.  
  
"Stop him!" Garlic Jr. ordered. The Spice Boys, who had been watching Popo's sluggish fleeing, flung some netting towards him; Popo dodged with more spryness than you'd expect from such a chubster, but alas, his large ass was not as spry and got wedged firmly in between the nets projected by the Spice Boys.  
  
"Bwahahaha!" Garlic Jr. cackled insanely, approaching Mr. Popo. "Now tell me, where is Kami?!"  
  
"I don't know!" Popo wailed.  
  
"Yes you do!" Garlic snapped, allowing one of his boys to lift him up so he could smack Popo upside the back of the head.  
  
"Mr. Popo does not lie!"  
  
"Mr. Popo needs to go on a friggen big diet." Garlic Jr. countered, conveniently shrinking the large gardener into a palm sized Popo. He smirked toothily. "There, I've just saved you a hell of a lot of points on your Jenny Craig program, fat boy." Sticking Popo into a bottle he had oddly stored in his dress, he shook it up a little just to be the malicious, evil creature that he is.  
  
"What would Kami say in a situation like this?" Popo asked himself mournfully, as he lolled about in the small jar. He grimaced. "Drink a barrel of beer and everything will be fine by morning." Oh, how philosophy just wasn't helping.  
  
~  
  
Back at Kame House, Krillin had brought around his new girlfriend Marron for a visit. Master Roshi, Yamcha, Bulma, Krillin, Oolong, Puar and the Krillin's new love were all sitting around the table, engrossed in a game of Poker. Well, all except for Marron. There was nothing that could engross her one brain cell. Yamcha, who could never get laid with a sober woman, was going for the next best thing. He handed Marron a mini bottle of vodka and a can of V8.  
  
"C'mon, let's party!" He said, raising his eyebrows semi-seductively, semi-idiotically. Marron smiled and batted her eyelashes.  
  
Krillin grabbed the small bottle of vodka and chugged it. That was about the seventh one he'd chugged that afternoon. Gotta keep `em away from Marron. He thought hazily. Hey, now I can see two Marron's! Cool, threesome!  
  
"Marron my sweet," He addressed Bulma, who happened to be sitting next to his girlfriend. "Would you like to show `em if you got `em?"  
  
"I'm Marron!" Marron squealed, grabbing Krillin's chin and quickly wiping a splatter of dribble onto Puar, who looked deeply, deeply offended. "Like, gross!"  
  
"People drool Marron!" Krillin quipped. Bulma grabbed Krillin's bald dome and swiveled it in her direction.  
  
"Show `em if you've got `em?" She demanded angrily. Krillin blinked.  
  
"I meant cards." He said, flittering his eyelashes innocently. Oolong snorted.  
  
"How can you stand that whiny thing?" He said under his breath. Krillin looked disorientated as he stared at Bulma and his girlfriend.  
  
"Which one?" He slurred.  
  
"Maybe I'll marry you Krillin," Bulma said testily. "Then I'd have a whiny thing of my own."  
  
"Drinks anyone?" Suggested Yamcha, although his eyes were still on Marron. Krillin giggled, rubbing the back of his head.  
  
"Sorry Bulma, I'll have to say no to that one." Apparently, he had not detected the sarcasm in her voice. He suddenly became very serious. "You scare me."  
  
"Puar scares you, boy." Roshi added in his two cents. He then laughed and showed all his cards. "Read em and weep fellas, full house. That means I win the date with Marron!"  
  
"You're playing for a date with my girlfriend?!" Krillin demanded. Marron blushed.  
  
"It's okay Krillin, I didn't know either." She suddenly giggled rather stupidly. "Hey, I was playing for a date with myself! Hee hee, I wonder what I would've done if I had've won?"  
  
"Well, one or two things spring to..." Yamcha's words were cut short when Bulma caught him by the ear and violently thrashed his head about. Krillin gaped and tried not to cry.  
  
"Rematch?" He suggested lamely. Oolong sighed.  
  
"Poor dope."  
  
~  
  
Kami floated back to his lookout to find the garden looking like it had been trampled by a herd of elephants; he stared at the huge crack in the concrete, which, disturbingly enough was in exactly the same shape as Mr. Popo's ass. He narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Come out, whoever you are." Kami said. "I can see you!" He suddenly realized he had massively contradicted himself, but brushed it off. He was old, dammit. Garlic Jr. rolled his eyes.  
  
"Kami," He said in his loudest screechy whisper. Apparently, the old fool didn't hear him. He mumbled a curse word in frustration, and tried again. "Kami! Oh fuck it." Garlic Jr. shuffled from his throne.  
  
"Garlic Jr.!" Said Kami. "It can't be!"  
  
"It SO can!" Garlic said.  
  
"But where is Mr. Popo?" Kami demanded.  
  
Garlic paused. "Now where did I..." He reached into his road, fumbled around, and pulled free the jar. "Here is your precious Mr. Popo!"  
  
"That's quite a weight loss program." Commented Kami. Garlic Jr. shrugged.  
  
"You know, that was exactly my thoughts on the matter." He stuffed Popo back down his frock. "Anyhow, you die now!"  
  
"You fiend!" Said Kami, making no actual attempt to defend himself. The Spice Boys suddenly appeared quite out of nowhere, and Kami wasn't certain, but it sure looked like they were doing some sort of bizarre choreographed dance routine. Garlic Jr. sighed deeply - good help was so hard to find these days. "Listen silky boys, cut the boy band crap and take down the old fart!"  
  
"It's Spice Boys, actually." The British one snapped, pointing out his little finger as he did so. Garlic's left eye twitched and for a moment, he almost resembled Vegeta. "Oh fine." He pouted.  
  
The Spice Boys all pounced, netting Kami, who struggled very feebly. Garlic Jr. cackled insanely as he shrunk and bottled the ancient Namek. He held the jar up high.  
  
"I so rule!" He giggled. The Spice Boys all spun simultaneously in a long line, and did the `Too Cool' dance. Kami rolled his eyes.  
  
"Oh, I'm sliding downhill..."  
  
To Be Continued... 


	2. Black Gaseous Deposit

Garlic Jr. swaggered about Kami's look out, holding the jar containing Kami in one hand and Popo in the other. The Spice Boys were all bowing to him, and had been for the past twenty minutes.  
  
"Now Kami, tell me," Said Garlic. "Where is this black gas that you so rudely took off pops?"  
  
"Why should I tell you?" Came Kami's reply, shaking his wrinkled old fist. Garlic considered.  
  
"Because if you don't I will shove you down my Y fronts again!" He spat back. Popo moaned in his anguish and Kami looked uneasy.  
  
"Alright, you win," The wrinkled old prune murmured. "It's sitting in full view on the floor in the temple!"  
  
Garlic Jr. giggled and dashed into the temple, the Spice Boys managing to sprint after him and maintain their bowing at the same time. He snatched up the bottle sitting on the floor.  
  
"Pure gas that feeds on pure emotion!" Garlic cackled.  
  
"But where does it get its fiber?" Popo questioned.  
  
"Quiet tubby!" Garlic snapped. "Kami-dammit, you would ask that wouldn't you?"  
  
Uncorking the bottle, the black gaseous deposit seeped forth and escaped from the look out with a peculiar sounding slurp.  
  
"And now, I will kidnap Goku's brat!" Garlic proclaimed. "Or rather, you will. Go my pretties, go!"  
  
The Spice Boys collectively groaned and then flew away.  
  
~  
  
Gohan knew it had been a stupid idea, even before he had made an escapade through the window and hopped in Icarus' back. Chichi had always been adamant about him hanging around with Master Roshi and counterparts, but now that he was sneaking away to go to a beach party that would no doubt contain drug use, hardcore nudity and the throwing of several food stuffs, Gohan knew he was in for it big time. She had never liked Master Roshi since that time he tried to smoke a banana, and he knew if Chichi caught him she'd make him wish he was one of Yamcha's inflatable dolls.  
  
What Gohan was not expecting, however, was that he would be attacked by an angered hoard of squirrels, all whom knew the proper use of their acorns. Despite the fact that all the wood rodents had gleaming pink eyes, six inch fangs and seemed to be getting high on a black gassy mist, Gohan didn't really suspect anything was wrong. The kid needed to get out more. Shrieking girlishly, a squirrel's head jarred by the force of his bitch-slap as it hurtled across the forest, Gohan leapt upon his dragon's back.  
  
"Put the pedal to the metal!" He squealed. When they had reached about thirty feet, Gohan felt satisfied that he was quite safe from the catatonic rodents, and he gave a two finger salute with some hand actions and hip gyrations thrown in. "You so suck!" He giggled in his superiority, squealing again when a squirrel leapt upwards and ripped a large hunk from the seat of his trousers.  
  
~  
  
Chichi very, very aggressively stomped up the beach, and all cringed. Grabbing Master Roshi by his shirt which read `Kiss the Lecherous Old Man - You Know You Want to', she shook him as if he were a bottle of shaker maker pancake mix. "Where's Gohan?!" She shrieked, splattering him with spittle.  
  
"Yo Chichi, calm down." Said Krillin rather passively. Marron approached from behind.  
  
"Fuck off!" Said Chichi, managing to flip Krillin off and continue shaking Roshie at the same time. Marron looked shocked.  
  
"You said the `f' word!" She accused.  
  
"Yes I fucking did!" Chichi bitch-slapped Roshi repeatedly.  
  
"My virgin ears!" Squealed Marron. Yamcha snorted.  
  
"Bitch!" That was from Roshi to Chichi.  
  
"Pervert!" That one was from Chichi to Roshie.  
  
Yamcha watched their catfight, which he found both exciting and terrifying at the same time. Chichi definitely was holding the upper hand - no surprise there, Roshi had just smoked a big one - and Marron was gaping and shrieking and covering her ears and trying to force Krillin into battle, all at the same time.  
  
"You old bastard!" Said Chichi viciously, playing soccer with his head on the ground. Roshi searched for some sort of defence.  
  
"Quit it!" He ordered. "Or I'll tell everyone here what you like to do with a wetsuit, hamsters and a bath full of custard!"  
  
Chichi's mouth formed a perfect `o' in surprise. "Oh yeah? I once saw you bingeing on Slimfast and watching the network for women!"  
  
Roshi grunted. "They have good programming, missy!"  
  
Chichi gave Roshi one final, malicious smack to the head, and stood up. "Where. Is. Gohan?"  
  
"Gohan isn't even here, you jacked up bio hazardous bottom feeding trash bag ho!" Snapped Oolong, saying the entire spiel with incredible speed. Chichi immediately made the pig extremely sorry he had said that one, and grabbing him by the ears she swung him as if he were a big, pink, chubby discus.  
  
Gohan had arrived to witness this, and shuddered. Debating whether to fly home and pretend he was there the whole time or drown himself, Krillin, who had managed to slip away from the fray with Marron, paddled out towards Gohan.  
  
"Call off your mom!" He ordered. "Before she kills us all!"  
  
Chichi was busy pounding on Yamcha before Bulma managed to intervene.  
  
"C'mon Chichi, you two have been friends for a long time," She begun. "You shouldn't let little things get in the way of your friendship."  
  
"Speaking of little things." Said Chichi, eyeing Yamcha's crotch. A vein in Yamcha's forehead begun to throb dangerously.  
  
"Not helping!" Said Bulma. "Say sorry!"  
  
"I'm sorry it's so little." Snapped Chichi.  
  
No one noticed the black gaseous deposit approaching until it was too late, what, with Bulma and Puar attempting to restrain Yamcha and Roshie and Oolong having a hard time pulling Chichi back. Chichi screamed and alerted everyone far too late, and all got a great big, and strangely ticklish, breath of black gas.  
  
"Did you fart?" Bulma asked Oolong suspiciously, waving the strange smelling air from her nose.  
  
"Well I did eat some Senzu beans for lunch," Said Oolong. "So get over it!"  
  
~  
  
Gohan and Krillin begrudgingly paddled back towards Kame House; somehow, Marron had managed to convince Krillin to take the fall for Gohan. Something along the lines of "I'll screw Yamcha!" thrown at Krillin did the trick.  
  
"I'm sorry mom." Said Gohan, pinching himself to induce tears.  
  
Krillin shuddered. "It's my fault, Chichi." Under his breath, he added, "bio hazardous bottom feeding trash bag ho."  
  
Chichi wasn't looking very forgiving, what with the glowing pink eyes and six inch fangs and everything. Gohan, being the thick idiot child that he was, didn't notice the difference between angry Chichi and `pointy-fanged-physchotic-furious-under-the-control-of-Garlic Jr.' Chichi. Then again, who could? He may have sensed something was amiss, however, when Chichi laid the smack down in the form of a karate chop to his head.  
  
"Way harsh!" Exulted Marron.  
  
"You want some of this, girlie?" Chichi hissed.  
  
Gohan struggled up from the ground just in time to see Chichi charge like a professional football player - leaping on the roof thinking he would be safe, he squealed girlishly when Chichi, going against all laws of physics, followed. Down below, Bulma had grabbed Krillin and put him in a vicious nipple twister.  
  
"Ow!" Krillin shrieked. "Marron, do something!"  
  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Spice Boys danced onto the scene. Krillin, who had managed to wrench Bulma free of his nipple, stared blankly at their dance routine.  
  
"Who the buggery bollocks are you?" Krillin asked quite rudely, rubbing his sore nipple.  
  
"Ouch, we're like, so insulted!" One said rather gayly.  
  
"We're the Spice Boys, chap," Said the British one. "Where is that little Gohan Scrapper. He's besmirched our lord!"  
  
Silence followed. Krillin sighed. "Well, are you going to tell us who your lord is or what?"  
  
"Oh, rightio," Said the Brit. "Garlic Jr. chappie."  
  
"Well spank my hiney and call me Freiza." Said Krillin. "So the angry green midget actually got out of his hole."  
  
"That sounds, like, so disgusting!" Marron said irritably.  
  
"What?" Said Krillin. "He really did get sucked down his own hole!"  
  
"He's right you know." Said Gohan.  
  
"Alright, alright, yes, yes!" Said a Spice Boy who sounded like he'd come from `Kentukah'. "We get it, we get it. Now, you little boy, are gonna die!"  
  
"Woo." Said the short and fat Spice boy, doing a little pirouette.  
  
And the four Spice Boys all pounced, causing Gohan to scream like a girl and flee. The Spice Boys chased the squealing son of Goku about Kame House, Marron shrieking as Bulma and Chichi stalked her.  
  
"What about that date, my precious?" Master Roshi salivated. Marron looked shocked.  
  
"By my skintight and incredibly sexy bathing suit, I'm begging you! Stay away!"  
  
"Hey c'mon," Implored Roshi. "Let's get jiggy."  
  
"Get jiggy?"  
  
"C'mon!" He said, shortening the distance between them in record time and grabbing her shoulders. Marron gasped then shrugged.  
  
"Well okay."  
  
Krillin became aware of Roshi pulling the straps to Marron's skintight and incredibly sexy bathing suit down, and frowned. Clearing his throat he said, "Roshi, would you mind not making a public spectacle with my girlfriend?"  
  
Marron became aware of Krillin's eyes on her, and jarred Roshi's head with the aid of a nearby radio. "That's right! Like, stay away, you fiend!"  
  
Piccolo was suddenly on the scene. He walked up to Gohan and Krillin, casually kicking the fallen Roshi in the head with the aid of his pointy shoe.  
  
"When did you get here?" Asked Krillin.  
  
"I've been here the whole time." He replied.  
  
"And you don't do anything till now?!" Krillin spat. "You're such an asshole!"  
  
"Well duh," Said Piccolo. "So anyway, the little snotball is back from his hole is he? And everyone here has slurped up some of this gaseous deposit?"  
  
"And we have Kami!" Cackled the British Spice boy. Piccolo looked unsettled.  
  
"Well shit." He turned to Krillin and Gohan. "Okay, don't just stand there looking stupid. Go to Kami's lookout and fetch some of that sacred water crap. I'll stay here."  
  
"You're not going to kill them all, are you?" Gohan asked suspiciously.  
  
Piccolo considered, then crossed his fingers behind his back and replied, "No."  
  
"Okay!" Said Gohan brightly, and shot up into the air. Krillin gave Piccolo a serious look.  
  
"C'mon man, you can't kill them all. Even though they're trying to rip us apart, they're our friends!"  
  
Piccolo rolled his eyes. "Fine Krillin. Whatever you say Krillin. I mean, Kami-dammit, ruin what was turning out to be a pretty decent day!" He crossed his arms and looked sulky as Krillin prepared to shoot into the air.  
  
"Wait, you can't leave me!" Marron shrieked. "They might do something horrible!"  
  
"Yeah, I wouldn't leave her with Master Roshi," Said Piccolo darkly. "Although, I wish you'd stop acting like it's her who's trying to rape him." He did a stunning impression of Master Roshi. "No, Marron, no! Your gorgeous young breasts and firm ass frighten me! Gimme a break, even his shirt is asking for sexual favors."  
  
"Are you done?" Krillin muttered flatly. Piccolo shrugged, then yawned. "C'mon Marron."  
  
Grabbing her around the middle, Krillin and Gohan shot off towards Kami's lookout. Piccolo watched them go, then turned back to the Spice Boys and his friends under the influence of the black gas.  
  
"What is going on in my horoscope today?" He questioned himself, taking up a martial arts stance.  
  
To be Continued. 


	3. Hickeys from the Darkside

Do I really need this? Piccolo thought to himself as the black gas inhaling Z fighters closed in around him. Screw Kami and him being defeated by a physchotic midget. Not only that, as much as he claims his power is pure, we all know he has nudie mags. I'm toast!  
  
Lost in his thoughts, Piccolo yawned, then lied. "I really hate to do this." Um, yeah, like that was true.  
  
"You're dead, my little chickadee." Said Bulma.   
  
"Uh, yeah, okay." Replied Piccolo. He shot a dark look at the Spice Boys. "Right then, you fucked up. I mean, do I even remotely look like a 'chickadee'? Note to Z Fighters - do not snort weird black gaseous deposits in the future. This is worse than the time Master Roshi smoked a banana."  
  
"Not only are you going to die," Said the British Spice Boy. "You are going to die in that atrocious outfit."  
  
"Hey, never insult the fashion sense of the person holding a flaming ball of energy near your head!" Piccolo snapped in retort, flinging said energy ball and sending the Brit hurling for cover. "Let that be a lesson to you!"  
  
Piccolo leapt high into the air and hung there for a moment, before Yamcha came streaking towards him with a feral look. He found it pretty funny when he kicked Yamcha in the head, but wisely chose not to laugh. Sighing, he floated back down to the ground and started to fight.  
  
Sometime after he had been viciously bitten by Yamcha, Bulma and Chichi, Piccolo pinched himself to see if he was indeed still alive. Not that I was alive to begin with. Someone fused with Kami doesn't have a life.  
  
"I can't believe I just got a hickey from Yamcha," Piccolo groaned. "I mean, Bulma and Chichi yeah, but Yamcha? Gross!" Purple blood spurted from his neck. "Man, that was some hickey."  
  
~  
  
Gohan and Krillin landed at Korrin's place, the atmosphere tense, thick and overwhelming. An atmosphere Gohan didn't like remotely, as it suited his mother down to a tee.   
  
"Man, if Korrin's been breathing that black gas, we're in some real trouble." Said Gohan. Krillin shrugged.  
  
"Wouldn't surprise me if he was 'breathing in' something else while he's at it."   
  
Fortunately, Korrin was moderately sober. He hobbled out onto the landing, pulling at a chunk of dried up gruel from his bushy whiskers. Well, at least Krillin hoped it was gruel.  
  
"Wassup?" The cat questioned. "Huh, why am I asking when I can just invade your thoughts?"  
  
The cat approached Krillin and jammed his paw on his overly large forehead. "My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts..." Krillin and Korrin suddenly began to speak in unison. "Garlic Jr...black gaseous deposits...Sacred water...Gohan, you're really cramping my digs with Marron...heading to Kami's lookout..."  
  
"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up," Said Krillin. "Now quit probing my mind!"  
  
"But there's a goldmine of nudity in here!" Korrin whined. "My bad. Okay, I'm gonna have to go pray now and beg forgiveness for my impure thoughts about five million fucking times. Although, technically they were yours initially, you know?" He paused. "Well you can just piss off now."  
  
"What a cute little kitty!" Marron squealed, rushing over to Korrin and patting him on the head. Krillin rolled his eyes.  
  
"Stop it! Stop it!" Korrin yelled. "Impure thoughts! Damn you woman! Damn, I'm so gonna pay for all this."  
  
"Ah, come off it Korrin." Said Krillin. "Most of these nudie mags I have stored in my brain came from Kami."  
  
"That hypocrite!" Said Korrin, shaking his paw. "I'll get him yet! Well in that case, your girlfriend can stay here." He squinted seductively. "Indefinitely."  
  
Krillin waved his arm. "Whatever."  
  
Gohan watched as Krillin zapped off, and followed, shouting, "I wouldn't enter any lotteries for a while Krillin, going on all this."  
  
"Quiet you."  
  
~  
  
Vegeta was kicking the asses of weird bird like things with over zealous glee. Not only had they questioned his intelligence, they were wearing direct copies of his favorite blue lycra jumpsuit. These bastards!  
  
"What, didn't your seamstress know the meaning of 'form fitting'?" Vegeta snapped, kicking one of the weird dodo things in the head.   
  
"Screw you buddy!" The dodo thing said, splattering Vegeta will a glob of spit. Vegeta used the hand of one of the many dead to wipe the saliva off, and then turned back on the spitter, who screwed his face up as tight as a cabbage. "Why are you doing this? We have a treaty with Frieza!"  
  
"Frieza is so five minutes ago." Vegeta replied, not wanting to reveal that his destruction of this planet was over his loss at Monopoly.   
  
"Fuck you!" Said the dodo.  
  
"Fuck you!" Vegeta replied, unable to think of a better comeback.   
  
"Fuck you!" The dodo said again, this time hitting the Sayijin prince with a waft of the worst breath he had ever smelt in his life.  
  
"For the love of evil, that's worse than the time Kakarrot ate the bad sashimi!" He prepared a ball of energy. "You smell like you ate a tub of shit flavored lard!"  
  
"Hey, I'm dying here, so live with it!" The dodo snapped. Vegeta grimaced and blasted it.  
  
"Well no, now you're dead." He rose to his feet, kicked the stiff just for the hell of it, and considered taking over what feeble government this planet had and making off with all their money, before he realized there was zero point. Rocks and dodos, as far as the eye could see. Weird visual, Veggie boy. Vegeta thought to himself.   
  
"Damn you Kakarrot, I'll match you at your monopoly skills yet!" Said Vegeta.  
  
"I heard that." Coughed a not quite dead dodo thing. Vegeta spun and blasted it.  
  
"Damn nosy wildlife."  
  
~  
  
Krillin and Gohan landed neatly in Kami's lookout, and looked around anxiously. The whole place was the epitome of destruction; garbage, dirty clothes and empty alcohol bottles of every description were flung around Mr. Popo's once perfect gardens. Speaking of Mr. Popo, he was lolling about in a particularly filthy section of the corrupted area, wrapped up in a blanket like a baked potato. Gohan rushed to him.  
  
"Mr. Popo!" He cried. "What happened to you?"  
  
Mr. Popo reached for his half empty vodka bottle. "You missed the party."  
  
Krillin raised an eyebrow. "You've shacked up with Garlic Jr.?"  
  
Kami came staggering out from the temple, pulled a cigarette from behind his ear, lit it and inhaled. "Well I'm old."  
  
"That's your excuse for everything!" Krillin said ominously. "Remember a couple of years back at Korrin's Christmas party, where you stuck your dick in a whiskey bottle and did the impression of the molotof cocktail? That was your exact excuse. 'I'm old'."  
  
"I've been old for a pretty long time, Krillin." Said Kami.  
  
"Look, just make up your mind," Krillin began slowly. "You are either old and you die, or you fucking live forever."  
  
Garlic Jr. made his appearance, stepping over a pile of pizza boxes. "Not happy with the new decor?"   
  
"Well, no, not really. It looks like Sunday mornings at Master Roshi's after one of his five day drug, alcohol and porn binges." Krillin stared down at where what appeared to be a family of cockroaches settling into a Chinese food carton. "Mighty nice of you to give the bugs a home though."  
  
"It was nicer in the Dead Zone!" Said Garlic Jr. in his loudest screechy whisper. "Get a job, you lazy old fart."  
  
"I have a job." Kami coughed, drawing back on his cigarette. "God or whatever."  
  
"No, that's me, I'm afraid." Said Garlic Jr. with a devilish glint in his eyes. He turned back to Krillin and Gohan. "Anyway, you've come for the Sacred Water I presume?"  
  
"Well, yeah." Said Krillin.  
  
"In that case, you will have to get by..." Garlic paused for dramatic effect. "The Spice Boys!"  
  
"Pfft, been there, done that." Said Krillin, waving his hand about. Garlic paused.  
  
"Okay, then you'll have to get past...me!" He blinked. "Wait, no, I'm not supposed to be putting myself in immediate danger. In that case, you'll have to get by Piccolo." He glared at Krillin. "Talk about making things harder than they need to be."  
  
Piccolo suddenly stepped from the temple, and despite the fact he closely resembled someone who had inhaled the black gaseous deposit, was salivating and snorting, and Garlic had just implied that they would need to fight Piccolo, Gohan grinned happily and rushed over for a hug.   
  
"He's not normal!" Said Krillin, stating the blindingly obvious.  
  
"Was he ever?" Kami questioned. "I mean, I've seen cow pats with more personality."  
  
Piccolo growled and sent Gohan flying with an uppercut from hell. Krillin muttered to himself sardonically at this turn of events.  
  
"There's always a friggen drama." Muttered Krillin, taking up a martial arts stance. He stared at Piccolo's neck. "Is that a hickey?"  
  
Piccolo snorted dangerously in warning, then picked up Gohan and proceeded to lay the smack down upon him with more glee than was absolutely necessary. Gohan was laid out on the concrete of Kami's lookout when Piccolo fanged Krillin, and was kicked around for several more minutes until all was revealed that they both were 'just pretending'. The mauled son of Goku looked up at them weakly from the ground.  
  
"Maybe we pretended a little too good." Said Krillin.   
  
Piccolo waved it off. "Pfft, I may have been pretending to be a mindless zombie, but that doesn't mean I was giving him a make believe ass kicking."  
  
"But," Gohan stammered. "How did you like, get pink eyes and fangs and stuff?"  
  
Krillin paused. "By the gods, I have yet to figure that out."  
  
Piccolo strode over to Kami, and grabbed the old, withered Namek by the front of his frock. "Alright, listen here. All our friends down there are stoned off their brains and are giving hickeys from hell, and we need the sacred water. So do something," He paused, and slapped the Malbro out of Kami's lips. "I find it quite offensive that god smokes Malbros."  
  
"So sue me." Kami wheezed.  
  
"I know, I know, don't say it." Krillin muttered. "You're old, right?"  
  
"Spot on." Replied Kami.  
  
"Mr. Popo knows what to do!" Popo suddenly broke into the conversation. "Take the scared water and dump it into the four winds of the earth!"  
  
"Four winds of the earth, boy, that sounds so spiritual!" Said Gohan enthusiastically. Kami pursed his lips.  
  
"Actually, it's just the air conditioner we got from General Motors." He pulled another cigarette out from the deck stored in his dress. "But if you dump the stuff in, the effect will be no less spiritual, I'm sure."  
  
"But who will take it?" Gohan squealed. "Not me, I'm too young and pretty to die!"  
  
"Er, same." Said Krillin meekly.  
  
"You look like you headbutted a train." Said Piccolo quite demeaningly. Krillin covered his eyes and tried not to cry. Things always went from bad to worse. Piccolo rolled his eyes. "Kami will take it."  
  
"Like hell I will!" Said Kami. "I'm old!"  
  
"Well if we lose you, it won't be that much of a loss, will it?" Piccolo retorted.  
  
"Apart from the fact that you'll kick it with me." Kami snapped. Piccolo paused.  
  
"My, that is a sticky one."  
  
Mr. Popo launched his magic carpet forward, and struggled atop it, heaving his mighty ass forward. Kami delicately mounted it, not looking overly happy with the situation.  
  
"What, no cruise control?" The old Namek whined. Piccolo grunted.  
  
"Just go, okay?" He stared at Garlic Jr., whom, bizarrely had not made a single move to stop them, or moved, or even blinked for that matter, in quite a while. Bad animation or a sign of the antichrist? You decide. Kami and Mr. Popo sluggishly departed, leaving Gohan, Krillin and Piccolo to deal with Garlic Jr…  
  
To be Continued… 


	4. The Makyo Cheeseball

Angry Green Midget

Chapter Four

Authors Note: This is the final chapter in this parody. I'd like to give thanks to everyone who reviewed this bad boy -- see first chapter for disclaimers.

* * *

Garlic Jr. watched Mr. Popo and Kami heave off toward the spiritual air conditioning system from General motors, before addressing Piccolo, Krillin and Gohan. He snarled and salivated, and from the moment Gohan had arrived, it was all he could do to not let out a girlie scream. The kid was a tad scary.

  
"Behold the source of my power!" Garlic croaked. "The Makyo star!"

  
Something that highly resembled a cheese and bacon ball came sluggishly orbiting into view, and almost immediately Garlic swelled up to an enormous green muscular...thing. Krillin wondered how he hadn't crapped his pants yet.

  
"Bwahaha..." Garlic bwaha'ed, as the Spice Boy who sounded like he came from 'Kentukah' leapt forward with a dainty twirl, and a wobble from his thighs which jutted largely from his hot pants.   
"That's not all kids," He giggled, he and his British counterpart ballooning like beachballs. Gohan and Krillin stared blankly as they whooped and hollered at the huge bacon ball floating in the sky. 

  
"Allow us to show you what the Spice Boys are really made of!" Said the Brit, dancing forward with seamless choreography, and beating the living snot out of Gohan and Krillin in the process. Hunks of rock and vodka bottles flew in unison as the pair of Z fighters suffered an inhuman boyband beating. Garlic Jr. grabbed Piccolo.

"Come to Big Daddy Garlic!" Garlic Jr. inexplicably bellowed.

  
"Come to Big Papa Piccolo!" Piccolo replied. Krillin thought that they might start rapping at any given moment, which may have indeed persuaded the remaining Spice Boys to do the 'Too Cool' dance again instead of kicking his brains in, but he was unprevailed. He continued to go bouncing along the cracked concrete like a big bald rubber ball.

  
"More! More!" Garlic, drunk on power, howled in maniacal laughter. He kicked Piccolo along the ground with the aid of his pointy bootie. 

  
"Damn angry green midgets!" Krillin growled bitterly.  
  
~

Kami and Mr. Popo hovered about the wrinkly Namek graveyard, and seeing such a community of wrinkles and such evidence of substance abuse on Kami, they decided to suck him up in a great big black vortex of doom to be burped him up later. Popo rushed towards the funky spirit of the previous Kami.

  
"Pleaseeee," Popo wailed. "You can't do this!"

  
"Wanna bet?" The ghost questioned, sending a bolt of lighting ala Pikachu and making a Popo-que. The fat little golliwog was rather charred and crispy, and his Aladdin style pants were blackened. Kami yawned.

  
"Keep on going," He said. "Make Mr. Popo into a pile of ashes. I'll roll him and I'll smoke him."

  
"He would," Popo groaned. "Let's run shall we? Mr. Popo is much better at running. From evil aliens and big dogs and the like."

  
"He has a hard time taking corners." The previous Kami sighed. The current Kami sniggered momentarily, before his green brow wobbled in disdain.

  
"Get ready Mr. Popo." Said Kami, before throwing himself into a sprint. He seemed to be having a hard time running as his long frock became tangled about his unbelievably skinny and girlie legs, and Mr. Popo, as it seemed, did not only have a problem taking corners, but jogging in general. His body heaved and sighed in ways Kami never thought possible as he struggled to keep up with the surprisingly spry old alcoholic. They leapt and skipped and hopped over thunder bolts, and with more grace than you'd expect from an obese golliwog and a wrinkly old Namek dude in a skirt.

  
"Damn angry green midgets!" Kami hollered.  
  
~

"Hey, I foun' a meatball!" The Southern Spice boy grunted, probing Krillin's left buttock with his shoe. Gohan scratched his head in confusion at the display he was witnessing, and actually felt kind of relieved when he booted him off the edge of the lookout towards his untimely demise. 

  
"Krillin!" Gohan wailed. He dived off and grabbed Krillin by the arm, but made sure that in case they didn't make it, Krillin was positioned properly so he could act as padding. "Pfft, I need to save myself here." Gohan muttered. 

  
The Spice Boys came hurtling off the surprisingly springy concrete and snatched Krillin away, generally pissing off Gohan. With a final girlish cry Gohan went catatonic in a shower of special effects, and blasted perhaps the worst boyband of all time to teeny tiny bits. Strains of 'Tie a yellow ribbon round that old oak tree' were heard, and then nothing more.

  
"You've saved the music industry," Krillin managed to force from his windpipe.

  
Meanwhile, Big Daddy Garlic was beating the living hell out of Big Papa Piccolo. Piccolo fell bonelessly from the sky and landed on a pillar with a tiny thud, causing Garlic Jr. much glee.  
"I guess Piccolo wasn't the pillar of strength he made himself out to be." He punned shockingly.

  
Gohan came flying onto the scene, looking pissed as pissed could be - and Garlic, being a moron, taunted the child, apparently having the memory span of a goldfish and not being able to recall what happened the last time he did that. Gohan was just preparing whoop some green ass when Piccolo sprung from the wreckage.

  
"Take on someone your own size!" Piccolo grunted in warning. 

  
Garlic stared at the three figures before him. "Like, whatever."

  
Strangely, Piccolo, who obviously had the ability to do this the whole time, did a rapid steroids deal and inflated to the size of the enormous former 'elf of evil'. Krillin smirked.

  
"You think he's trying to compensate for something?" He sniggered to Gohan.

  
"Huh?" Said Gohan thickly.

~  
  
Kami and Mr. Popo hurtled across the misty graveyard, Popo struggling to breathe, before their journey was abruptly by a wall that highly resembled the Cone of Silence. Kami, his face smooshed up against the perspex, managed to utter, "There's a wall."

  
"Yes Kami," Said Popo, lolling about on the ground. "There's a wall."

  
"Well shit." Muttered the old Namek.

  
The former Guardian fried them crispy yet again. He hadn't had so much fun in years. He whispered to Kami; "Can you really smoke that whole chubster? Come on man, I'm dying to see it!"

  
"Bad pun." Groaned Popo.

  
"Who asked you?" The spirit muttered, zapping him again.

  
Kami scrunched his wizened old face up like he'd sucked upon an unripe grapefruit, slammed his hand upon the wall and did a really huge girlie scream, causing the industrial strength plastic to shatter like a frozen rat being hit by a truck. He stuck his fist in the air in glee, did a few pelvic thrusts and then went streaking off, Popo lumbering close behind. "Head for the hills!" He wailed, leaping like a last action hero.

  
The two of them crashed into the ground, and Kami began to flicker strangely.

  
"I'm feeling a little light headed, Mr. Popo." Said Kami.

  
"That's just the vodka talking," Said Popo knowingly.

  
"And light handed!" He groaned, waving his now transparent hand about Popo's face. "Nothing else better be fading like this!"

~  
  
Goku, who was napping in the forest, suddenly awoke, unconsciously knowing that something bad was about to happen. Yawning, he snuggled into a clump of flowers.

  
"Weird," He snuffled, flicking away a Monopoly hotel that had somehow found itself in his right ear.  
  
~  
  
Kami staggered out of the wrinkly Namek's graveyard, Mr. Popo following wobblishly, to witness the rather enormous Piccolo beating down upon the 'Icon of Evil', Garlic. Kami raised a withered brow and lit up a fresh cigarette.

  
"He is so totally compensating for something," Kami commented idly.

  
"That's not very endearing, Kami," Commented Popo. "You two ARE fused together after all."

  
Kami looked at Popo. "Fuck off." He yawned. "I've dumped the scared water."

  
"Nooooooo!" Garlic howled in his angst, smacking Big Papa Piccolo about the face with open palmed bitchslaps of fury. Piccolo shrunk back down to his usual, compact and handy size, and tumbled to the ground of the lookout gracelessly. "You bastards! You all die now! And to think, you destroyed my Boyband, I was gonna present them to Virgin Records!"

  
With a particularly high pitched shriek, Garlic proceeded to rip an enormous hole in the ozone layer, guaranteeing higher instances of sun burn for millennia to come, and cackled darkly. The huge vacuum looked hungry as it sucked up great hunks of the lookout, everybody rushing to Mr. Popo and grabbing a great handful of his black, chubby flesh.

  
"What are you doing?" Mr. Popo demanded.

  
"Hello, you're like an anchor, man!" Said Krillin. Popo sobbed.

All grasped onto Popo as Garlic swaggered about, thrusting great bolts of energy into his diabolical Dead Zone. Piccolo grabbed Gohan and shook the child wildly.  
"Destroy the friggen Makyo Star!" He roared. Kami, who's skirts were whipping around his surprisingly shapely legs, moaned in agreement. His cigarette flew from his mouth and was sucked into the Dead Zone, and he grimaced.

  
"No way!" Gohan whimpered. "There is no way I'm letting go of Mr. Popo!"

  
"Stop pinching Mr. Popo!" The golliwog howled over the wind.

  
"Shut up Mr. Popo!" Krillin added his two cents.

  
Gohan grabbed onto Mr. Popo even harder, causing Piccolo to grab him and attempt to wrench him off. "Get out there damn you!" Piccolo growled in warning, picking up Gohan and attempting to fling him towards the orbiting cheese and bacon ball. Gohan gripped onto his large green arm and wailed; Kami sprung forward, picked up a nearby beer can and threw it, causing it to collide head on with the Makyo star.

  
"You cannot stop me!" Garlic Jr. bawled out.

  
"Wanna bet?" Piccolo snapped, picking up Gohan for the second time and managing to throw him towards the star. Gohan flapped his arms wildly as he soared into the satlellite of evil, his tiny body shattering the fragile crunchiness of the huge salty snack, and generally sending cheesy crumbs raining down upon all. Garlic Jr. shriveled like a cocktail gherkin in a microwave and gave a tiny wail as he got sucked into his very own Dead Zone, which, after it had slurped him up released a thousand tiny sparks and burped - all looked bored.

  
"Wanna get pizza?" Krillin asked Kami.

~  
  
And so, all returned to normal after the attack by the deranged Elf of Evil, whom, if not so obsessed with conquering the earth could have very well had a lucrative rapping career as 'Big Daddy Garlic'. Our heroes all returned to their little lives - proving once and for all that Goku is entirely obsolete, but being lazy, continued to operate on the principal that they needed him, hence saving Piccolo and Krillin a hell of a lot of physical work in future sagas. And as for Vegeta?  
"I'll beat you yet, Kakarrot," Vegeta growled, grasping the Twister box and glaring at Goku across Bulma's kitchen table. Bulma came waltzing into the room, and offered Goku a cheese and bacon ball from a large bowl of cheese and bacon balls.

  
"Gee, thanks Bulma!" Said Goku, crunching on the foodstuff. He stared at Vegeta's blue lycra jumpsuit. "Hey Vegeta, did you drool on yourself?"

  
Vegeta wiped away the dried dodo spittle, his left eye twitching. "Don't change the subject!"

  
About an hour later, Vegeta and Goku were engrossed in hard competition, Bulma spinning the board with a crazy kind of urgency.

  
"Left foot green!" She declared; Goku groaned and tumbled to the floor.

  
"I win Kakarrot!" Vegeta declared, leaping to his feet. Goku grinned, and then hit the level of Super Sayijin, causing Vegeta's face to contort violently.

  
"That was a good game Vegeta," Said Goku. "Do you wanna play again as Super Sayijins?"

  
Vegeta grasped his face and stifled a sob. "Fuck."

  
And everything was as it should be.  
  


The End.  



End file.
